Healing the split

Sun 5.30.21   

      A month ago I woke up early evening, having fallen asleep on the sofa.  I had been exhausted from ongoing court battles; it was not something I would normally do,  I awoke in a darkened room with a vision.  I was made aware that I live with another person.  She was there in the darkened room, palpable, maybe 4 feet from where I sat.  I couldn’t see her, but I felt a heaviness about her.  I say her although there was no indication of gender.  For the next few days I thought about this person who lives with me as I went from room to room.

      I could not imagine who she could be.  Yet, for a while now I’ve become aware that I am split in two.  We all are.  The human world one is born out of, in its present evolution, holds fast to its description of the cosmos and scientific theories that have been created to support this view.  What cannot be explained does not exist.  But then again, as Morpheus said to the susceptible Neo, “There is something wrong in the world. You don’t know what, but it’s there like a splinter in your mind driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.“

I became aware of the split, beyond intellectual knowing, because I lost interest in a world that I saw as simulated, not real, a copy of what it is purported to be.  That’s when she decided to give me a few clues of her existence.  What comes to mind as I write this is the day I emerged from my vision quest.  I hadn’t eaten in four days and stopped at a Mom & Pop store to get some supplies.  All the signs, the writing on walls, the labeled products, it was too much screaming, bombarding me.  I had to get out of there, quickly. 

I had somehow lost my way of being in the world.  That person in the woods fasting for 4 days had no defense against the screaming world she came back to.  Driving to my new home afterward the thought that kept circling my mind was, “I don’t want to go back to being crazy in the world where the mind spins and spins without stop and has nothing to say.

I have had, through the years, to learn how to be at home in this strange world that will only accept the ersatz.  I did so by searching for people who lived authentic lives, who put themselves through ordeals that made them stronger, exposed them to greater knowledge.  But on that day walking out of the Mom & Pop clutching my half pound of butter, the bread and wine I truly belonged to the planet earth, an animal, able to see beyond the veil. 

Repairing the split requires impeccability.  The questions asked of oneself, why am I doing this particular thing, what purpose does it serve, is this what I really want, am I contributing my best, am I applying the most efficacious solution? are the questions that center, that heal the split, are the tools I use to bring me back to my spot in the woods where Spirit spoke to me.

The favorite posting last month was Eviction